I've Got the Lesbian Fever, and Berlin Is the Cure

BERLIN Yes, I am hanging out with Berlin and yes I am in love. My intention was to write about queer places and people. It was not meant to be a personal affair. I still have a week to go. There is time, but so far Berlin has been about experiencing a city with so many options. My head is spinning.

I come from a queer desert to the best waters. How can I chill, relax and find my way in a wild playground?

I have tried to leave twice and failed.

Here I have full access to a lesbian social life. I don’t even need to plan it. I can decide if I want to go to queer bookshops, cafés, bars and clubs. In public life I see books about women like me. I am not an isolated happening in a galaxy far away. I have always existed and here is the proof.

I see people just like me. Daily!

That does something to my system.

First shock. Then shoulders drop.

I feel electric.

At the same time it makes me see my queer life at home. A void. I am 54 and the oldest in the room. Did I come too late to the party? Happiness and grief collide within me.

It's like my lesbian life is shown on a screen. I had no idea that my body had so much hidden language in it. That it contained so many unexpressed sexual desires. I am leaking.

I am not supposed to bring my sadness to the table. I have gained so many rights and ”normality points” from the heteronormative society. I should be grateful. They keep telling me we all live in the same club now. Everyone is queer! Pure gaslighting. Therefore, I have to bring my rage to the table. In it lie the seeds to my future.

We can have everything we want. In fact our queer lesbian rooms are about survival.

It’s oxygen!