UK: Suzanne Johnson-Lairds Story

Suzanne Johnson-Laird
Rockwell Green, United Kingdom
Born 1983
Occupation:  Assistant nurse

”I used to be called Girly Bird. Nobody in the scene knew my real name. They’d say: ”Here comes Girly Bird.” I was pretty much the only femme in our group. I was often the butt of their jokes. Their flirting was just about putting you down to make themselves feel better. I've had a lot of that. I think some butch women, or masculine dissenting women, sometimes act like young blokes trying to puff their feathers up. 

”Are you wearing that dress for me darling?”

”I would like that dress to be on my floor.”  

I think most people want a mirror image of themselves. If you don't match that, they don't get it. The thing is you've got to be yourself. You can't be anything else. I was with a woman once and went out with her parents. Her father said to me: ”If you are going out with my daughter, why not just go out with a man, cause she looks like one.” I think this is a lack of understanding. 

Hand on my heart, I knew I was gay from a very young age. I had crushes for girls all throughout school. I didn’t know what a lesbian was, but I knew I liked girls. I lived in a very small town and had this massive crush on my friend's sister.  All I knew was that I wanted to be near her.  I kissed her when I was eleven. It was so natural for me to kiss a girl. I can't believe I hadn’t done it sooner. I used to hold hands with girls all the time when I was in primary school. I was so little, and all the girls were a lot bigger than me, so I would play the card of, “oh I'm really scared.” I remember loving that feeling of being close to somebody.

Most people think I'm straight. Showing affection to my partner in a heterosexual bar sometimes feels uncomfortable. It depends on the bar, but very often I'll get approached by guys.

”Would you like someone to join in with you tonight?” 

”I would give you some money to watch.” 

That’s why it's nice to go to a gay bar. However, I feel safer at house parties. I like the thought of community and everybody coming together. I am part of a lesbian group and we're all kind of intermingled. We all are part of each other's lives. I'll go to Paula's house and have a cup of tea to catch up with her. We text each other, we check in with each other. At the moment, I'm more of a single mom than I am a lesbian. I'm trying to get out there again, but it's not easy. I often wonder how I will ever meet anybody?”