Sandras Story
Sandra Raciborska.
Malmo, Sweden
Born in Poland, 1988
Occupation: Content Creator
“I couldn’t get married in Poland, so we did it in Copenhagen instead. Poland is no place for women, and it’s certainly not a place for homosexual women. The word "lesbian" in Polish is used as an insult, a way to degrade someone. This shows just how lowly lesbians are regarded, simply because we choose to build our lives without a man. On national TV, gays and lesbians are portrayed as deviant, sick people who want to harm children. We're lumped together with pedophiles, which is beyond dehumanizing.
I've encountered plenty of people, both at work and in school, who would say, "You're disgusting," as soon as they found out I was a lesbian. Living in Poland meant living in constant fear. I found myself analyzing every person I met, every situation I was in, trying to figure out if it was safe. Outside of our home, I could never openly express my feelings toward my wife. I can’t even begin to describe how painful it was to constantly face negative reactions to who I am.
Part of how I coped was by connecting with other women in similar situations. Then I discovered something that changed everything: there are women all over the world who don’t live under this kind of oppression. That realization hit me hard. I knew I had to leave Poland because being a lesbian is a huge part of my identity. I have a deep need to connect with others, to dive into lesbian culture and history, to find a sense of belonging.
When I moved to Malmö, one of my first thoughts was, "Where are the lesbians?" There were no bars or clubs catering to our community. Later on, I found RFSL Newcomers, an organization for LGBTQIA+ people who recently arrived in Sweden. I quickly noticed that Sweden uses the term HBTQ – homosexual, bisexual, trans, and queer – instead of the more familiar LGBTQ. This felt like a form of erasure, particularly of lesbians. It seemed exclusive, and it made me angry. How can lesbians and gays be grouped under one letter when our interests and struggles, particularly in areas like healthcare and workplace sexism, can be so different?
The Swedes argue that HBTQ is more inclusive, but from my perspective, it’s the opposite. I struggled to find other lesbians in real life, so I decided to start a Facebook group. Initially, I wanted to call it "Lesbian Girls Malmö," but many people raised the same questions: "I don't identify as a lesbian," "I'm actually bi," "I'm pansexual," or "I'm a lesbian and non-binary; can I join?" I realized that the umbrella term "queer" resonated more with women here. They don’t seem to use the label "lesbian" much anymore, so I changed the group’s name to "Queer Girls Malmö."
The online community quickly grew to over 400 members, but usually only about 20-30 people show up at brunches. I’ve tried to use more inclusive language, but it’s still confusing for me. The reality is, if I hadn’t started this group, I would have had a huge problem meeting other queer people in Malmö. I probably wouldn’t have met any lesbians. All my close female friends now are from that very first brunch I organized.
The best part of being a lesbian is that society has absolutely no expectations of me. I like the freedom of being invisible for the cis straight men. I don't feel any sexual danger from their side. I was 21 when I came out. Before that I tried hard to make guys like me. I was very feminine and I was putting in all the effort like many women do. But I also felt a lot of anxiety..
Being a lesbian often feels like living as an observer, staying in the shadows. I’ve noticed that when we find our life partners, we tend to gradually let go of our social lives, especially our connections with other lesbians. It’s puzzling because this doesn’t seem to happen with straight couples. I did the same thing when I got married: I slowly let go of my connections, focusing more on our household and relationship. In a way, I was even relieved to step back – I thought the few lesbian events I attended were dreadful.
I believe something went wrong with feminism. Instead of fighting to reclaim space for women, many women started giving it away. Somehow, the belief took hold that feminism should encompass every other marginalized group. As a result, women have become a minority in their own movement. Feminism has become too intersectional, meaning women are now expected to advocate for every group that isn’t cisgender men, while there’s no expectation for gay cis men to do the same. They aren’t being asked to share their spaces or make them more inclusive.
For me, the word “lesbian” has a cultural background and a meaning which is deeply rooted in history and in society. We need to protect it or we will risk ending up in a society without any names, genders or any indicators - just blended, personality-less human beings.”
